Gorgeous George – $1,149
Dear Peacock Lovers, Victorian Era Collectors and Antique Dealers,
Welcome to the official web site of “The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society” (better known as TARPPS). WE ARE THE ONLY PEACOCK ADOPTION AGENCY IN THE WORLD. PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE DESCRIPTION OF THIS PEACOCK TO LEARN ALL THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS OF THIS ADOPTION (especially the fine print). In order to avoid law suits, we are forced to divulge all character flaws as well as positive attributes of each peacock up for adoption.
Gorgeous George is one fine looking male India blue peacock. His tail is extremely long. It measures 5 foot 4 inches (about a foot longer than most peacock tails). His tail has all of the long, thin, solid green border feathers that run along the side of the tail. His tail is approximately 20” wide. George stands every bit of 7 feet from top of his crest to tip of his tail. He only weighs 5-6 lbs. (which is convenient if you want to put him up high on a shelf or a wall). His tail is as easy to put on and take off as hanging a picture on the wall. There is a hook on his tail and a nail on him.
BIOGRAPHY: (soon to be a chapter in “The Peacock Parable” series)
The founder and president of TARPPS would like to introduce all you peacock lovers to this magnificent India Blue peacock named Gorgeous George. Even though George can still dazzle anyone with his majestic beauty, last winter he was forced to face the facts that his strength, virility, and circulation are not what they used to be. Gorgeous George came to us hoping TARPPS might be able to help him. Our noble organization is dedicated to finding warm homes and loving families to adopt all the aging peacocks of America. George’s toes were frostbitten last winter and the vet is afraid they might freeze off completely next winter – so George is eager to give retirement a try. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A PEACOCK STRUT WITH NO TOES? It is not a pretty sight! Try to understand — they loose their balance and often topple over. PLEASE! SOMEONE! ANYONE! – HAVE MERCY ON OLD GEORGE! PLEASE CONSIDER ADOPTING OLD GEORGE !!!
All of you peacock lovers can rest assured knowing your generous contribution will rescue many other another aging peacocks from 4-6 months of shivering outside all winter. Please help us eradicate the inhumane treatment of aging peacocks! We are not ashamed to beg, cry, or plead in our gallant quest to find warm homes to adopt our poor, aging feathered friends. Peacocks never asked to be brought to America! They were unjustly forced to leave their tropical homeland of India.
How much longer will people ignore the plight of aging peacocks? After all that peacocks have done to bring true beauty to the new world – isn’t it time for all you peacock lovers of America to rally around an old timer in his hour of need? Having read this far, will you be able to live with yourself knowing George’s toes might freeze off next winter?
If pity, compassion or levity is compelling you to adopt Gorgeous George, but you have legitimate concerns about whether you and your neighbors could handle all the loud, blood curdling peacock screams coming from inside your house -YOU CAN REST ASSURED. We at TARPPS have FINALLY solved that age old problem. Just as castrating a stallion makes a gentle gelding, we have hired one of the few brain surgeons in the world who is able to disconnect the screaming mechanism in a peacock’s brain so that humans and peacocks can live in harmony together indoors! 51% of TARPPS budget goes toward keeping this highly gifted surgeon on our staff.
Before you purchase Gorgeous George, you must be willing to comply with seven guaranteed benefits of TARPPS modest retirement plan:
#1. The new family home must have central heating.
#2. The new family must give George a conspicuous place where everyone who sees him will be almost as enamored with his majestic beauty as he is with himself. He always loves being the center of attention, and looking good is a job old George can certainly still handle. Having a job again may help him regain his shattered self-esteem.
#3. No one will be allowed to ruffle his feathers. Peacocks do not appreciate humans touching them with oily hands (a sheepskin duster will be provided for proper cleaning). #4. The new family must try to forget the fact that Gorgeous George wasted his life trying to emulate his hero King Solomon. (At one time George had 698 wives and 290 concubines in his harem) George was never able to figure out how the wise King Solomon had any time for his children or running his kingdom when he must make love with at least two wives and one concubine every 24 hours! Even at that rate he could only make love with each wife and concubine only one time a year! (Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines in his harem. II Kings 11: 3) Gorgeous George thought he could solve that particular problem with Viagra, but eventually learned the hard way that most of Solomon’s wives and children were probably extremely dissatisfied and hurt by his neglect of them. I wish I didn’t have to tell you that ALL of George’s wives divorced him and most of his kids want nothing to do with him. All old George ended up with by trying to follow Solomon’s example was exhaustion, shame, sadness and enormous alimony and child support payments to ex-wives and offspring who hate him. (49% of your bid goes towards his child support payments).
#5. George needs your forgiveness and encouragement on a daily basis. He finally realized he and Solomon’s priorities were selfish, wrong and very hurtful to everyone.
#6. The new family members must never allow any of George’s vengeful ex-wives or offspring to peck or spur him to death. It would probably be best not to allow them into your house at all.
#7. George needs a little entertainment like Foghorn Leghorn cartoons, tea parties and a little music (peacocks prefer classical music with a little Indian folk music).
WARNING: Do NOT play any Rap music, or screaming may still occur.
#8. Please do not allow merciless younger male peacocks to humiliate, pick on, or beat
up old poor George in order to try to impress the ladies. George has had enough of the pecking order.
#9. The new family members must help us get the word out about the plight of aging peacocks. We hope you will begin to sing TARPPS’ well-known theme songs as often as possible. If you can NOT carry a tune – PLEASE do NOT sing. You would NOT be helping our cause.
First song: “What the world needs now, is homes warm homes,
no not just for some old peacocks, but for every one.
What the world needs now, is homes warm homes,
that’s the only thing, that there’s just too little of.”
(sung to the tune of “What the world needs now is Love”)
Second song: “Oh I’d like to be a warm retired peacock,
that is what I’d really like to be.
Cause if I were a warm retired peacock,
Everyone would be in love with me
(sung to the tune of “Oh I’d like to be and Oscar Meyer wiener)
As incredible as it may sound, our “retired” peacocks have removable tails, and can be shipped UPS in two separate boxes for as little as $60.00 packing and shipping (instead of around $250 for a non-detachable tail peacock). The detachable tail feature also enables one to transport these birds in a car instead of a van (very important for retailers).
FACTS: This story was based on a few facts that most city slickers don’t understand. How many facts did you find in this story?
#1. Peacocks are native to India.
#2. The circulation of older peacocks does get bad in their feet (just like humans) and they do suffer out in the cold. I have actually seen a number of older peacocks with only one toe on each foot!
#3. Most peacock owners (and particularly their neighbors) are glad to get rid of extra males to cut down on all the screaming. Peacocks scream to warn, threaten and challenge other males not to trespass or mess with their harem. It is almost unbearable during the mating season.
#4. Many of the extremely long tailed older males we purchase really are at the bottom of the pecking order. The younger, stronger males are merciless with them and often run them off completely.
#5. If it is laughable for a fictional peacock who once had almost as many wives and concubines in his harem as Solomon to summarize his life by saying “vanity of vanities; all is vanity” it is sobering to contemplate how King Solomon actually summarized his life the same way. (Ecc.1: 1-2) When TARRPS top animal psychologist asked George how he thought “the wisest man in the world” became one of the most neglectful husbands and unavailable fathers the world has ever known, George’s immediate response is proof that he has truly seen the error of his ways. He sadly replied – “sin makes you STUPID. You say REALLY stupid things and do even stupider things”.
To those of you who have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction, Gorgeous George is just a stuffed India Blue peacock. Because our peacocks always seem to become one of the main conversation pieces in every home, these copy written retirement stories are designed to give the new owners some facts and fiction to humor their guests. In case you haven’t figured it out yet — The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society is just another for profit business that masquerades itself as a charity.