JB – $1,149
Welcome to the official web site of The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society (better known as TARPPS). WE URGE YOU TO READ THE ENTIRE DESCRIPTION OF THIS PEACOCK TO LEARN ALL THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS OF THIS ADOPTION (especially the fine print). We are forced to divulge all character flaws of each peacock up for adoption in order not to be sued. All peacocks have very different personalities and life experiences (just like humans), so please make sure this peacock’s personality will blend with your family before you adopt him. In order to avoid law suits for false advertising, we must divulge all the character flaws as well as positive attributes of each peacock up for adoption.
This peacock’s name is JB. He is an extremely handsome India Blue peacock. He measures slightly over 7 feet from the tip of his crest to his tail. JB’s tail is exceptionally long (about 1 foot longer than average peacocks). JB’s tail has all of its sword feathers (the long, solid green, sword shaped feathers that elegantly border most of the tail). JB is mounted standing on a wooden base that is primed white so that you can paint the base to fit your colors. JB weighs only 6-7 pounds, which is ideal if you would like to display him on a wall (L shaped wall brackets will be shipped with him) or on a pedestal. Whichever retired peacock you select, they are all so impressively beautiful in real life (my pictures do not do them or their iridescent colors justice) your guests will be impressed and they will ask you kinds of questions about them. Once you’ve heard JB’s amazing life story, you will be able to use JB to teach family values and illustrate politically INCORRECT spiritual truths that apply to everyone.
BIOGRAPHY: (soon to be a chapter in “The Peacock Parable” series)
The founder and president of TARPPS is proud to introduce you peacock lovers to the most honorable and beloved peacock we have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Our organization is dedicated to finding warm, caring, homes willing to adopt all of the aging peacocks of America. It is extremely rare to find magnanimous qualities in any male peacock, let alone one who truly has the touch of greatness, but JB stands head and shoulders above all others and his story needs to be told in detail. If kindness is what really makes a man attractive, it is no wonder every female peafowl was head over heels in love with JB. His kindness made him the most beautiful of all male peacocks – ESPECIALLY IF YOU CONSIDER THE TRAGIC, HEARTWRENCHING STORY OF HIS CHILDHOOD !!!
JB was born at the bottom of the barrel, with the deck stacked against him. Both his mother AND his father let him down, and yet JB’s life is the best example we know of to prove that it is NOT who you are, or what fate decided for you that really matters! It is about knowing who you want to be and asking the right person for help! If you don’t understand that principle – read on and you will soon. In addition to being the runt of his brood, JB’s mother, Worry Wart Wilma, worried herself to death shortly after JB hatched out (the vet said it was one too many anxiety attacks). JB’s father abandoned him in every way a father can forsake his own offspring. His name is not even worth mentioning. You know the type — another worthless, no good, two timing, unloving, self-absorbed playboy who was so irresponsible that when he was told about JB’s plight, he did NOT EVEN ATTEMPT to help his own son.
A compassionate farmer tried to find peafowl families to adopt JB and all of his brothers and sisters – but he was unable to find a home for JB. JB was so weak and puny, none of the hens thought JB would survive. They all said they just couldn’t bear going through all the heartache of watching the little guy die. The poor little orphaned runt didn’t even have anyone to keep him warm, so the farmer set up a heat lamp to keep him warm. When JB didn’t die right away, the farmer named him JB after hearing a true story about a man named Jabez (whose name meant “born in sorrow”). The farmer gave him plenty of chick feed and water and put one of his children’s stuffed teddy bears into JB’s pen for company. JB distinctly remembered the farmer praying for God to be with him, protect him, prosper him, and give him influence.
Poor little JB cried himself to sleep every night with only the hope that God might help him the way the farmer had asked. Everyone on the farm thought it was a miracle that JB survived, let alone start growing like a weed. One day JB finally found someone who enjoyed having him around. It was a huge, 60 pound, dumb as dirt, white Tom turkey nicknamed “Elliott the Idiot”. Even though JB was so glad that Elliott seemed to enjoy trying to teach him the fine art of strutting and looking your best at all times, he often grew bored of watching Elliott strut everywhere. JB was so grateful for Elliott’s friendship he just couldn’t see Elliott as an Idiot. He would constantly defend Elliot when somebody called him “The Idiot” by telling funny stories of all the dogs, cats and even people Elliott had chased off, fooling them into thinking he was the big, bad, boss of the farm. JB quickly learned how to strut, when to strut, and when not to strut by watching Elliott’s mistakes. It did not matter to him that Elliott was a very slow learner or had some very exaggerated self-image problems. JB still has fond memories of what a blessing it was to be able to explore the whole farm safely under Elliott’s strutting shadow on all those long, hot, summer days.
A gallant little banty rooster named Peewee was the best friend JB ever had. When the other little peacock chicks would gang up on JB to try to keep him at the bottom of the pecking order, PeeWee would often come to his rescue. He would give those bully chicks a spurring they never would forget. PeeWee explained to JB how that made him madder than a wet hen, because once upon a time he had been the tiniest little chick on the farm and everybody used to pick on him. Except for the fact that PeeWee had a quick temper and a very fowl mouth, JB enjoyed hanging around with PeeWee much more than Elliott. PeeWee was kind of like a big brother to him. He taught JB how to handle bullies, watch out for deadly predators (chicken hawks, possums, raccoons), and how to hunt for food. PeeWee and Elliott always gave JB a present on his birthday because they knew JB didn’t have any real family.
An old widow hen named Granny took it upon herself to teach JB how to properly preen and groom himself. He really didn’t like her constantly trying to keep him clean, but he did appreciate her motherly attention. She was always overly protective and didn’t really like him hanging around with PeeWee all the time. She was extremely neurotic about keeping her nest clean and orderly, and she was always cackling about something that upset her, but JB loved her and looked past her faults. She was the closest thing he ever had to a mother. She was always trying to teach him the difference between right and wrong and insisted on reading him a story every night at bedtime from the farmer’s Bible. Granny taught JB many wonderful truths that gave him hope for the future like “though your mother and your father forsake you, the Lord will lift you up”(Psalms 27:10). JB’s favorite story was about the life of Jabez (the man he was named after). He loved to hear that story over and over and over. The older he got, the more he started wondering if the Lord might be using his flawed friends who really cared about him to “lift him up”.
I could go on telling you about all the most unlikely, imperfect, flawed characters who helped little JB grow into “The Great JB” that he is today. However, I have told you more than enough miracles in JB’s life so that you can easily see – whatever painful childhood experiences JB had, they only worked out for his good. JB had more reasons than most of us to feel hopeless, pessimistic, resentful, angry, and end up like his unloving biological father – but he was so grateful to all the people and animals who helped him, he couldn’t forget their kindness or harden his heart to anyone. Unlike many folks who forget to count their blessings, JB recognized that the old farmer’s prayer for him had been heard and the God of all comfort had truly “lifted him up like an orphaned lamb”. (Psalms 27:10 is shepherd talk, written by a good shepherd named David who had taken care of lots of orphaned lambs).
JB asked TARPPS not to mention all the orphans he “lifted up” or the charities that have become synonymous with his name – so we won’t. We will say that if “the servant of all is the greatest of all” JB is by far the greatest peacock we at TARRPS have ever known. He never even married so that he could focus all his energies into caring for orphans and widows. When we sang “Ole Lang Syne” at JB’s retirement party, there was not a dry eye in the house. All of us who have come to know and love JB hate to have to say goodbye to him. If JB wasn’t getting so old that he might not make it through another winter outside, we would never let him go (his toes got frostbitten last winter). He was such a conscientious worker that he always said that whenever he got so old he started sleeping on the job all the time and forgetting what his job actually was, it was time to get on with retirement. We are compelled to honor JB’s request. AFTER ALL THE GOOD JB HAS DONE FOR OTHERS, DON’T YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD ADOPT HIM SO THAT HE WON’T FREEZE TO DEATH NEXT WINTER? The family that adopts him will not only be granting JB one unanswered prayer, (to be adopted into a real family) but will enable TARPPS to continue funding the many peafowl orphanages, and foster care organizations he started.
Before you adopt THE GREAT JB, you must be willing to comply with seven guaranteed benefits of TARPPS’ luxury retirement plan:
#1.New family home must have central heating. We promise that everyone who sees him will be almost as impressed with his beauty as by his character. JB doesn’t enjoy being the center of attention, but if you would like him to relax and just be himself, his majestic beauty will light up any room you put him in.
#2. No one will be allowed to ruffle his feathers. Peacocks do not appreciate humans touching them with oily hands (a sheepskin duster will be provided for proper cleaning). #3. New family must be willing to explain to their guests that 99% of the fee we paid goes to peafowl orphanages and foster care organizations that JB founded.
#4. JB needs a little entertainment once in a while like Foghorn Leghorn cartoons, dinner parties or a little music (peacocks prefer classical music with a little country tune once in a while). WARNING: Do NOT play any Rap music, or screaming may occur.
#5. New family must help us get the word out about the plight of aging peacocks. We hope you will learn and begin singing TARPPS’ theme song as often as possible. If you cannot sing on key – please do NOT sing. (you will NOT be helping our cause)
Song #1. What the world needs now, is homes, warm homes,
no not just for some old peacocks, but for every one.
What the world needs now, is homes warm homes,
that’s the only thing, that there’s just too little of.
(melody is similar to “what the world needs now is love sweet) love”
Song #2 Oh, I’d like to be a warm retired peacock,
That is what I’d really like to beeeeee.
Cause if I were a warm retired peacock,
Everyone would be in love with me.
(melody is similar to “Oh I’d like to be and Oscar Meyer wiener”)
As incredible as it may sound, our “retired” peacocks have removable tails. This enables them to be shipped at ¼ of the cost of standard taxidermy peacocks. They can be sent UPS in two separate boxes for as little as $60.00 packing and shipping. It also enables one to transport these birds in a car instead of a van (very important for retailers).
For those of you who have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction, JB is just a magnificent India Blue, stuffed peacock. Because of the fact that our taxidermy peacocks always seem to become one of the main conversation pieces in every home (everybody eventually names them), these copy written retirement stories are designed to show the retired peacock’s owners how to use fact and fiction to humor your guests. The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society is just another for profit business that masquerades itself as a charity.
FACTS: This story was based on a few facts that most city slickers don’t understand. How many facts did you find in this story?
#1. Peacocks are native to India.
#2. Older peacock’s circulation does get bad in their feet (just like humans) and they do suffer out in the cold. Some even get arthritis.
#3. Most peacock owners (and particularly their neighbors) are glad to get rid of extra males to cut down on all the screaming (peacocks scream to warn, threaten and challenge other males and trespassers not to mess with their harem).
#4. Many of the exceptionally long tailed older males we purchase really are at the bottom of the pecking order and the younger, stronger males are merciless with them.
Sometimes they will pick on the older ones so much they will even leave their own turf looking for a new home.