Willy – $1,149
Dear Peacock Lovers, Victorian Era Collectors and Antique Dealers,
Welcome to the official web site of The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society (better known as TARPPS). WE STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO READ THE ENTIRE DESCRIPTION OF THIS PEACOCK AND ALL THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS OF THIS ADOPTION (especially the fine print). In order to avoid law suits for false advertising, we are compelled to divulge all character flaws of each peacock up for adoption. This peacock has more than a few.
The founder and president of TARPPS will try once again to find a home for an infamous peacock nicknamed Charming Willy. Our organization is primarily dedicated to finding caring, warm homes to adopt all the aging peacocks of America – but with Willy we have made an exception. We wish we did not have to tell you that Charming Willy was so bad, he was disgracefully forced into retirement at the prime of life — but if we don’t tell you the whole truth about Willy, you would never know what dramatic changes TARRPS has made with Willy’s attitudes. We regret to say that we wish we did not have to divulge all of the character flaws in this particular peacock, but if we don’t we could be sued for misrepresenting a peacock’s basic character and false advertising. Good looks can be very misleading when it comes to gorgeous peacocks in the prime of life. If you select this peacock to adopt, you can rest assured, Charming Willy will brighten any room with his physical beauty and you will be able to use him to teach family values to those who have not yet learned that charm and beauty can be only skin deep.
Charming Willy is now an exceptionally good looking, male, India blue peacock, resting peacefully on a wood branch – BUT THAT IS ABOUT THE ONLY GOOD THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID ABOUT HIM UNTIL RECENTLY. Willy’s tail is an incredible 5 foot 2 inches long.(about 8-10 inches longer than average peacock’s).
Willy weighs only 7-8 lbs. One nail in the wall is all you need to display this infamous peacock on your wall. His tail is almost as easy to put on and take off as hanging a picture on a wall. There is a hook on Willy’s tail and a clip on his back to hang it to.
BIOGRAPHY: (soon to be a chapter in “The Peacock Parable” series)
Willy’s whole life boils down to using his magnificent beauty to mesmerize, sweet talk, flatter, and take advantage of every gullible hen he laid eyes on (young and old alike). After repeated warnings, years of mandatory group therapy, psychological counseling and even six months of solitary confinement – he would never repent of his cruel and selfish ways. WE AT TARPPS URGE YOU NOT TO LAUGH AS WE TELL YOU THE SORDID DETAILS OF WILLY’S LIFE. THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR LEVITY!!! We plead with you to consider adopting Charming Willy in order to help TARPPS rescue the many brokenhearted hens and abandoned chicks he abandoned from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, then Philadelphia, Atlanta, and LA.
The story of Charming Willy’s life is all too familiar. As a young chick he was deeply wounded when abandoned by his unloving/irresponsible/playboy biological father. His mother named him William Jefferson Clinton (a former president of America who was also abandoned by his father). Charming Willy’s mother had not paid much attention to Arkansas politics and just blindly hoped that the new Democratic leader of the free world would inspire Willy to make the world a better place and not follow the example of his worthless father. Her plan was working pretty well until young Willy started finding out about all of the president’s extra marital affairs. All of the animal psychologists who tried to help Charming Willy since puberty are convinced that eight years of the
ex-president’s scandalous sexual escapades contributed greatly to Willy’s playboy philosophy. Willy actually told them that only Hugh Hefner and Larry Flint’s philosophies influenced him more.
Charming Willy was not only a heartbreaker, but he became even worse than his wicked biological father. Whenever his smooth talking pretty lies wouldn’t work, he would use his sharp spurs to flog any human or peacocks who confronted him. Eventually the truth would always surface and nobody who really knew him believed a word he said (except gullible females).
Charming Willy was finally captured and brought to trial. He was convicted of 144 out of 146 allegations by a jury of his peers. The judge sentenced him to either 120 years behind bars, caponizing (castration of a male bird), or early retirement. This punishment may seem excessive to humans, but you must remember peafowl have much higher standards than humans. Why? Think about it for a minute. In peafowl society the males are the pretty ones and the females are very homely in comparison. When the world’s most beautiful, most impressive, most gorgeous males start strutting in all their glory for a homely – ugly female, no normal, red blooded, female peafowl can withstand that kind of irresistible temptation for long. The very foundation of peafowl society (the family) would be destroyed if this kind of behavior was tolerated. Willy’s lawyers helped him weigh his options and he decided to try TARPPS’ retirement plan. He is fully aware that if retirement doesn’t work out, it still means life in the pen.
The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society’s incredible cutting edge brain surgeon was miraculously able to remove the entire “stuck in a rut” section of Willy’s brain. This operation exceeded every one’s expectations. For the first time in Willy’s whole life he actually seems fairly content. Over 95% of Willy’s one track mind had to be removed and replaced with a revolutionary miniature computer that has totally transformed Willy’s thought life and temperament.
Charming Willy is a joy to be with now. His past behavior isn’t even in his memory banks any more. He spends most of his day thinking pleasant thoughts and preening (it is vitally important that all TARPPS peacocks maintain their magnificent beauty). Even though our gifted brain surgeon’s salary takes 51% of TARPPS’ budget, he certainly has been a godsend to the peacock community. He has managed to transform one of the most seductive and cunning sexual predators in recorded peacock history into an honored member of The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society.
Normally your generous contribution would rescue another elderly peacock from 4-6 months of shivering outside all winter, but with Willy, your donation will rescue countless gullible hens from the never ending, heart wrenching nightmare of being one of Willy’s victims. We at TARRPS are using this website to provide child support for Willy’s offspring as well as alert everyone to the inhumane treatment of aging peacocks!
We at TARPPS believe in saving the whales, the seal, the spotted owls, the planet, and the universe while we are at it. We are not ashamed to cry, plead, beg or try any number of shameless tactics in our gallant quest to find warm homes to adopt our aging feathered friends. Peacocks never asked to be brought to America! They were unjustly forced to leave their tropical homeland of India. IT IS SO UNFAIR! How much longer will humans ignore the plight of aging peacocks? After all that peacocks have done to bring magnificent beauty to the world – isn’t it time we come to the aid of at least a few of the heartbroken hens and the fatherless chicks Willy abandoned? SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, PLEASE ADOPT CHARMING WILLY!!! (49% of your donation goes to retired peacock child support payments).
If compassion or pity for fatherless peacock chicks and abandoned hens is compelling you to adopt Willy, but you have serious concerns about whether you and your neighbors could handle all the loud, blood curdling peacock screams coming from inside your house – YOU MAY REST ASSURED. The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society has solved that age old coexistence problem. The same brain surgeon who fixed Willy’s libido problems has also learned to disconnect the screaming mechanism in a male peacock’s brain so that humans and peacocks can live in harmony together indoors!
Before you adopt Charming Willy, you must be willing to comply with seven guaranteed benefits of TARPPS’ minimum retirement plan:
#1.New family home must have central heating and be willing to give Willy a conspicuous place where everyone who sees him will be almost as enamored with his majestic beauty as he is with himself. Peacocks love being the center of attention, and looking good is a job Charming Willy can certainly handle. It may even help him earn a little dignity and self-respect.
#2. New family members will not be allowed to ruffle his feathers. Peacocks do not appreciate humans touching them with oily hands (a sheepskin duster will be provided for proper cleaning).
#3. Please do not tell anyone all the reasons Willy was forced into early retirement. Willy is thoroughly ashamed of his past. If family members feel they must divulge Willy’s past, at least be willing to explain how an ex-American president, Hugh Hefner and Larry Flint greatly influenced the young, impressionable, adolescent Charming Willy.
#4. Willy’s new owners must try to forgive him even though what he did was despicable. If you can’t say something nice to him once in a while, could you please at least try not to throw his past up in his face all the time.
#5. Willy occasionally needs a little entertainment. He likes extravagant parties and a little music (peacocks prefer classical music, love songs, and a little Indian folk music). Please do NOT play any Rap music, or blood curdling screaming may still occur!
#6. New family members must never allow vengeful old girlfriends, or grown up offspring to seek just recompense on Willy by spurring, or pecking him to death just because he was a no good, worthless, selfish, mean, irresponsible, playboy in his younger days.
#7. New family must help us get the word out about the plight of aging peacocks.
#8. If you can sing on key we hope you begin to sing TARPPS’ well-known theme songs as often as possible. PLEASE DO NOT SING IF YOU CAN’T SING ON KEY.
#1st song: “What the world needs now, is homes warm homes,
no not just for some old peacocks, but for every one.
What the world needs now, is homes more homes,
that’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.”
(sung to the tune “What the world needs now is love”)
#2nd song: Oh I’d like to be a warm retired peacock,
that is what I’d really like to be,
for if I were a warm retired peacock,
everyone would be in love with me.
(sung to the tune of “Oh I’d like to be an Oscar Meyer wiener)
As incredible as it may sound, our “retired” peacocks have removable tails, and can be sent UPS in two separate boxes for as little as $60.00 packing and shipping. Without a detachable tail it would cost close to $250 to ship him. A removable tail also enables one to transport these birds in a car instead of a van (very important for retailers).
FACTS: To those of you who have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction – WILLY IS JUST A STUFFED/TAXIDERMY INDIA BLUE PEACOCK. Because of the fact that our taxidermy peacocks always seem to become one of the main conversation pieces in every home, these copy written retirement stories are designed to give the new owners some facts and fiction to humor their guests. We have actually sold a lot of Charming Willy peacocks. Feel free to change his name and the story to suit your fancy. The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society (TARPPS) is just another for profit business that masquerades itself as a charity. This particular peacock story was also written to cause playboys (of all ages) to reconsider all the damage they are doing to themselves and others. For the only permanent solution to this age old, playboy problem — TARRPS highly recommends a story Jesus of Nazareth told about a playboy. Luke 15:11-20
HOW MANY OF YOU CITY SLICKERS WERE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE SOME PEACOCK TRUTHS IN THIS STORY?
#1. Peacocks are native to India.
#2. The circulation of older peacocks does get bad in their feet (just like humans) and they do suffer out in the cold.
#3. Most peacock owners are glad (particularly their neighbors) to get rid of extra males to cut down on all the loud, blood curdling screaming (peacocks scream to warn, threaten and challenge other males not to trespass or mess with their harem).
#4. Many of the extremely long tailed older males we purchase really are at the bottom of the pecking order. The life of an older male peacock can be very humiliating.
#5. Dominant males can really do damage with their spurs to humans and other peacocks. Many peacock owners gladly sell their mean males to me.
#6. Some male peacocks (like some men) enjoy their “be fruitful and multiply” mandate entirely too much. They really care about no one but themselves.
#7. All male peacocks are the epitome of vanity. If there are no female peafowl to try and impress, they will strut for each other or just about anything that moves (much like a dumb as dirt, domestic tom turkey). #8. Vanity in peacocks is at least understandable. When the most beautiful birds in the world strut in full display it can be truly impressive – but when men do the same thing it is laughable. C. S. Lewis said “vanity is the only fault that is laughable.”