Handsome Hank Taxidermy Peacock – $2,949
Dear Peacock Lovers, Victorian Era Collectors and Antique Dealers,Welcome to the official web site of “The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society” (better known as TARPPS). WE ARE THE WORLD’S ONLY PEACOCK ADOPTION AGENCY! WE STRONGLY URGE YOU TO READ THE ENTIRE DESCRIPTION OF THIS PEACOCK AND ALL THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS OF THIS ADOPTION AGENCY (especially the fine print). In order to avoid false advertising law suits, we are forced to divulge all character flaws of each peacock up for adoption.In case you do not yet know what a “retired” peacock is or have never actually raised peafowl, it is VITAL that you understand – ALL PEAFOWL HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES AND LIFE EXPERIENCES THAT MAKE THEM WHAT THEY ARE (just like humans). PLEASE MAKE SURE THIS PARTICULAR PEACOCK’S PERSONALITY IS COMPATIBLE WITH YOUR FAMILY BEFORE YOU ADOPT HIM. It is so sad when character traits are not given proper consideration. If you feel this particular peacock is just not suited to your family, that is okay. We hope you will read each of the biographies of the other peacocks up for adoption. DON’T BLAME TARPPS FOR AN UNSUITABLE PEACOCK IF YOU WON’T CAREFULLY READ EACH DESCRIPTION. We will divulge all of each peacock’s character flaws as well as their positive attributes in the hope that you will make an informed decision.
This incredible strutting peacock’s name is Handsome Hank. Hanks tail is even bigger and more perfect than most average peacocks. His tail is an incredible NINE FEET AND NINE INCHES WIDE and FIVE FEET TALL!!! His tail is in perfect shape and is easily detachable in order to carry him from room to room as well as dramatically reduce the cost of packing and shipping. UNLIKE OTHER TAXIDERMY PEACOCKS – HANKS TAIL IS GUARANTEED NOT TO SAG. TARPPS has found a way to keep them from drooping over as the weeks, months and years go by. Nothing looks more pathetic than a strutting peacock with a tail that is sagging over like a weeping willow tree. WE REPEAT – HANK’S TAIL WILL NOT END UP DROOPING AND SAGGING OVER LIKE MOST OTHER TAXIDERMY STRUTTING PEACOCKS. TARPPS secret no sag formula will only be revealed to families who are willing to adopt him. Handsome Hank’s wings are angled downward rather than straight back, so that you can put him directly up against a wall (which takes up less space, and looks better). Handsome Hank is such an awe inspiring sight, if you decide to adopt him you will have no trouble using him to brighten any room, entertain guests (young and old alike), and teach some simple spiritual truths. If you have any teenagers who like to draw attention to themselves with strange hairdo’s — they might like to borrow Hanks tail for a really great Mohawk.
(soon to be a chapter in “The Peacock Parable” series) The founder and president of TARPPS would like to introduce all you peacock lovers to this perfect specimen of a strutting India blue peacock. Handsome Hank came to TARRPS in a horrible mid-life crisis. He was once a very well-known celebrity in the peacock world. If you are not up on The Who’s Who of Peacock Society, Handsome Hank is to the peacock world, what Arnold Schwarzenegger is the human race. When Hank was at his prime he managed to win just about every award for physical attractiveness a male peacock can win. He ate all the right things, exercised religiously, and practiced strutting more than all the other peacocks. His hard work paid off and developed him into the epitome of outward beauty. At one time Hank could actually make his crest spread all the way from his beak to the back of his neck! EVEN IN HIS GOLDEN YEARS HANK CAN STILL ALMOST SPREAD HIS CREST THE SAME INCREDIBLE LENGTH (look closely at his pictures again). This incredible feat helped him win the prestigious Mr. America peacock strutting pageant three times and then capture the glorious Mr. Universe peacock strutting pageant five years in a row (which exceeds even Arnold Schwarzenegger’s record). The award that Handsome Hank is most proud of was the grueling World Peacock Decathlon held in Madrid, Spain in 1994. It proved to everyone that he was not just another pretty boy. Only the strongest and most talented peacocks are able to even complete all of the grueling events. If you have never witnessed one of these peacock extravaganzas, it consists of incredible feats of strength and endurance such as who can preen the fastest, the longest and the look the most poised. Other events include who can scream the loudest (the number of glasses they break with their high pitch screams determines the points scored). Hank always scored highest in the spurring/flogging contest (which is much like human boxing). Two peacocks will flog each other unmercifully for 15 rounds, or until one of them can no longer stand up before the count of 10. The winners are then matched up until only one slugger fights his way to the top and becomes the New World champion of the WORLD FEDERATION OF FLOGGING PEACOCKS. This exhibition of brute strength can only be topped by watching each of the contestants try to fly up to the top of a 100 foot tree limb carrying weights starting at 1 lb. and going up to 18.7 lbs. (the record Hank set in 1994).
The grand finale of the World Peacock Decathlon, of course, is seeing all the contestants on stage competing in unison for the most flawless, most outstanding and longest strut. This event is always the crowds’ favorite as hundreds of peacocks pose in every way imaginable for as long as possible. At one time Handsome Hank set the world record for the longest full tail spread strut. He actually held every feather in perfect place for six hours!!! (Most peacocks can only hold that pose for about 5 minutes.) Even though Hank can still dazzle anyone with his majestic beauty, his strength and health are not what they used to be. He took one too many spurrings to his head and is consequently, slightly punch drunk. PLEASE NOTICE THE COVETED TROPHY HANK WON AT THE WORLD PEACOCK DECATHLON! Handsome Hank was referred to TARPPS by a veterinarian in the hope that we might be able to find him a warm home for him to live in before next winter. We were all shocked to learn of Hank’s mid-life crisis and true condition. Hank had kept his health problems so well hidden, that when he actually humbled himself (which is extremely hard for all arrogant peacocks) and told us the details of his condition we were shocked! We gallantly came to his rescue when we learned that Hank had been suffering for years from tendonitis and degenerative arthritis! Hank had grown so weary of suffering through the long, cold winter temperatures, he actually tried ending his life last year by taking all of his pain medications at one time. Thank God that the TARRPS animal psychologist was able to identify the real source of his debilitating depression and help him find true meaning and happiness in life before he tried suicide again! Hank confessed to us that the Rolling Stones’ song “I can’t get no satisfaction” pretty much summed up his life. He would burst into tears every time the song got to the part where Mick Jagger sings “well I try! and I try! and I try! and I try! – I CAN’T GET NO – SATISFACTION”. As tragic as it is, this is not an unusual problem with strutting rock stars or peacocks and at least Hank has finally started facing the truth about himself. Hank is certainly not unusual when it comes to being motivated by selfish ambitions. Most of the beautiful male peacocks that come to us have spent their whole lives seeking praise and vain glory through fame, fortune, honors, sex, and other self-indulgent pursuits (much like movie and rock stars). They usually only come to realize how foolish they have been when they look back at their lives and see how loveless, meaningless, empty, and unsatisfying it all was. Most peacocks are so self-absorbed, they end up being worthless fathers or playboys who never married at all (like Hank). Hank’s life is another tragic example of “what does it profit anyone if he gains the whole world, but destroys his own soul.” When these old birds finally start facing up to how foolish they have been, we at TARPPS are able to introduce them to some of their own kind (like the Great JB and Saint Willy) who have found the true happiness and joy all peacocks are really looking for. Hank is now learning to experience real happiness which is best summed up in the immortal words of the King of the Jews. “Love one another in the same way I have loved you.” “I did NOT come to be served, but to serve and give my life away.”We at TARRPS are so happy to say that Handsome Hank has finally seen the light and is trying to learn to care about others as much as he cares about himself. His new family will need to cut him some slack. Hank is brand new to this kind of life and it is extremely hard for an old peacock to change old habit patterns. Don’t worry too much about that arrogant look in his eye. It is virtually impossible to lose that haughty look while he is strutting! Rest assured that Handsome Hank has truly repented of his self-absorbed, self-promoting, self-indulgent, selfish, loveless ways. Let’s just hope he doesn’t backslide!
Won’t some of you peacock lovers rally around this AWARD WINNING old bird in his hour of need? When Handsome Hank learned that he would be able to stay warm indoors next winter through the TARPPS retirement plan if he would give up that nasty habit of screaming – his whole attitude towards life has changed dramatically. After all of Hank’s hard work to stay in tip top condition, someone, anyone PLEASE ADOPT OLD HANK! WE ARE BEGGING YOU NOT TO LET THIS HANDSOME, AWARD WINNING, MEMBER OF TARPPS SHIVER THROUGH ANOTHER LONG COLD WINTER! If someone will only adopt Hank, many of us peacock lovers will be able to sleep better knowing someone’s generous contribution will have rescued another elderly peacock from 4-6 months of shivering outside all winter with excruciating arthritis making it all the more unbearable. Please help us eradicate the inhumane treatment of aging peacocks! We at TARPPS are not ashamed to beg, cry, or plead in our gallant quest to find warm homes to adopt our poor, aging feathered friends. Peacocks never asked to be brought to America! They were unjustly forced to leave their tropical homeland of India. How much longer will we ignore the plight of aging peacocks? After all that peacocks have done to bring true beauty to the new world – will you be able to live with yourself knowing Hank will be hobbling around all next winter? Have you ever seen a peacock trying to strut with arthritis? It is not funny. PLEASE! SOMEONE! ANYONE! – HAVE MERCY ON OLD HANK – ADOPT HIM NOW!
If pity, compassion or levity is compelling you to adopt Handsome Hank, but you have legitimate concerns about whether Hank will be able to stop his award winning, deafening screaming with will power alone, —- YOU CAN REST ASSURED.
We at TARPPS have permanently solved that age old problem. Just as castrating a stallion makes a gentle gelding, we have hired one of the few brain surgeons in the world who is able to disconnect the screaming mechanism in a peacock’s brain so that humans and peacocks can live in harmony together indoors! 51% of TARPPS budget goes toward keeping this highly gifted surgeon on our staff.
Before you adopt Handsome Hank, you must be willing to comply with seven guaranteed benefits of TARPPS modest retirement plan:
#1. New family home must have central heating.
#2. New family must give Hank a conspicuous place where everyone who sees him will be almost as enamored with his majestic beauty as he is with himself. Hank has always loved being the center of attention, and looking good is a job old Hank can certainly still handle. (Having a job again may help him regain his fragile self-esteem).
#3. No one will be allowed to ruffle his feathers. Peacocks do not appreciate humans touching them with oily hands (a sheepskin duster will be provided for proper cleaning). #4. He needs a little entertainment like Foghorn Leghorn cartoons, tea parties and a little music (peacocks prefer classical music with a little Indian folk music).
WARNING: Do NOT play any Rap music, or screaming may still occur.
#5. New family members must help us get the word out about the plight of aging peacocks. We hope you will begin to sing TARPPS’ well-known theme songs as often as possible. If you can NOT carry a tune – PLEASE do NOT sing. You would NOT be helping our cause.
First song: “What the world needs now, is homes warm homes, no not just for some old peacocks, but for every one. What the world need now, is homes warm homes, that’s the only thing, that there’s just too little of.” (sung to the tune of “What the world need now is Love”) Second song: “Oh I’d like to be a warm retired peacock, that is what I’d really like to be.
Cause if I were a warm retired peacock, Everyone would be in love with me”!!! (sung to the tune of “Oh I’d like to be an Oscar Meyer wiener”)As incredible as it may sound, our “retired” peacocks have removable tails, and can be sent in two separate boxes to reduce the cost of packing and shipping to $300.00. (I urge you to contact us to verify shipping costs as they are subject to change, depending upon which common carrier is offering the best price at the time of sale.) The bird will come in one box by UPS. A separate carton is made for the tail and it is shipped by common carrier. Having the detachable tail makes it much easier to transport the bird around the house. To those of you who have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction, Handsome Hank is just an extremely good looking, recently preserved, taxidermy India Blue peacock. Because our retired peacocks always seem to become one of the main conversation pieces in every home, these copy written retirement stories are designed to give the new owners some facts and fiction to humor their guests. The American Retired Peacock Preservation Society is just another for profit business that masquerades itself as a charity.
FACTS: This story was based on a few facts that most city slickers don’t understand. How many facts did you find in this story? #1. Peacocks are native to India.
#2. Older peacock’s circulation does get bad in their feet (just like humans) and they do suffer out in the cold. Some even get arthritis.
#3. Most peacock owners (and particularly their neighbors) are glad to get rid of extra males to cut down on all the screaming (peacocks scream to warn, threaten and challenge other males and trespassers not to mess with their harem).
#4. Many of the exceptionally long tailed older males we purchase really are at the bottom of the pecking order and the younger, stronger males are merciless with them.
Sometimes they will pick on the older ones so much they will even leave their own turf looking for a new home.